I miss my old days

I never imagined in my life that I will have mental illness. Some people said it is a state that hard to be cured. Need treatments and efforts. And it is always coming back. Even so don’t lose hopes, many disease will always have its medicine. Do you believe it? I do.

Do you have any traumatic event in your life? I do have it. When I was around six years old, I climbed the Rambutans tree and my hand holds its branch under the banana leave that covered that branch. I felt some needles touched my palm, when I opened the banana leave I saw a big white caterpillar with its long fur. The moment I saw it, I fell from the tree, it was about 2 meters above the ground. I had psychological illness called phobia on caterpillar since then. You know what? I could see the small caterpillar from 3- 5 meters around me. I don’t know why, I just can feel it. So if you are around me and you see a caterpillar, don’t ever say it, unless I will run and yell uncontrollably.

The other traumatic event that I got is dealing with people. It is like social disorder, but my psychologist/therapist specifically called it anxiety disorder. It happens all the time for the past year, but I can consciously realize for 5 months ago until I have many effects and symptoms about it. Lucky me, that my psychologist said that my logic works perfectly to minimize the effects. Well it was 3 months ago. Now at this moment, I can’t use my logic anymore. My psychological has played the role of my life, hard to use my logic.

What I have now just anxiety overload, dizziness, migraine, spacing out the sky more often, tend to be more calm (or how do I put it, hmm I don’t have any desire to speak or move, more likely I just sit or lie on bed and my tears can’t be stopped from falling), I can be really sad, I can’t feel hungry or thirsty while I am sitting or laying on bed and the worse case thinking about suicide. My big worry of my disorder is I can hurt myself, even worse my baby to be in my womb. I am working hard to “stay on hold” not to hurt my baby. I’ve done it before, before it can move or kick or swim in my womb. I am really afraid of it, I can’t control myself to do that anymore. I can hurt myself but I just don’t want to do that to my baby.

I’ve already threw away all the kind of medicine that will be swallowed by me in my unconscious time that harms to my baby. Do you believe it? I can’t believe it myself that I can do it. Or I can hit my head with the wall or pull my hair until some of them fall out, I can do that in my sleeping but half awake or when I got really bad headache. Sounds scary huh? Perhaps, the person I should afraid of is my own self.

Those symptoms will happen whenever I look at my handphone, all the bad memories of those people come back so vividly. Every single word, every single text, and every single expression of those people, I can really remember it. Then I start to get bad headache, cold sweat in my whole body, my hands tremble so badly, or even worse now I can get a cramp in my tummy right in my womb, sometimes it is really bad, and my baby will move hyperactively. Well, actually when I talked to my psychologist, I will always have those symptoms. Even my psychologist can detect it with just from my lips when I am talking or looking on my face or eyes. It is totally absurd for normal people, isn’t it?

My psychologist said that my disorder comes from subconscious mind. It is far beyond my conscious mind. It can happen when some information to my mind and it is really change the world of my mind, it will store in it for a long time, and it will awake when my feelings connected to the memories I stored in my subconscious mind. I don’t really get it, though. Perhaps I used to be a really introvert person. I saved everything just to myself, even worse sometimes I cannot realize I can store those memories I had.

Since my bad symptoms arose, I threw my phone away from my sight and everything that impact my mental. It seems I am running away right? But that is the thing I could do now. Even now, my feelings and my logic are fighting, which one is the best thing to do? Some recommend me to stay away from any kind of things that make your mental down and impact to your baby, but my logic is asking me, ‘are you serious?’ ’is that okay?’
My logic will say “they will judge you as a bad person even more”. But I just couldn’t help myself when the bad days come.

I asked other psychologist about “memory eraser”, and he said “there is no such thing”. I knew it. But maybe I could get amnesia or an accident that can erase those part memories. He just chuckled and said why do you not try to talk about your problems to someone or something like diary? It will help you to keep your mind on track your mental keep drowning down because you just keep it to yourself.

I used to think that maybe I did some terrible things to anyone so I got this mental issue and because I have so much sins so that I have this experience and I really live far away from my God, Allah, so He pulls me back with this problem. Whenever I thought of this, I can’t stop my tears from falling.

For the past 5 months, I fought this myself. I tried to conceal all the feelings from anyone. I have never seen my psychologist anymore because some reasons. So no one can help me, except myself and Allah. He is the One that I can talk to and the One that make me stay alive like normal people.
I rarely open anything about myself to anyone even my close family not even my spouse. I just talk to person I trusted myself to. Well, I’ve told my problems to my friend but they will judge because of my lack communication before I told the important part of my problems, so that’s why I keep myself telling it to anyone. I knew it because of my lack communication, but what make me cannot communicate with them? That’s the point I need to be cured.

This is my first time, I experience this terrible thing of bad judgment, being a bad person, always in fault, and feeling that I am not accepted. I thought my existence in them is a mistake. I shouldn’t be there.
Like everyone else know, I am not a kind person, I never care to anyone, my words are harsh, I never give attention or gifts, never remember people’s occasion days such as birthday because I never pay attention on it. I am really bad so that I have this mental health issue.

I tried to realize my own fault and I forgive them too for their behaving that crash my subconscious mind, but now it can’t help my mental to be better. I don’t know. I’ve already forgave what they’ve done to me. But I am still in this state.

Normal people with no experience about this will lightly tell me “don’t be afraid just start talking nicely and more often” or “maybe you should be helpful person to them”. You know what? I knew that, but if I can do that I would not be here writing this story. If I can do that, I’ve done it before I told you this. Don’t think about caring to them, the moment I remember or hear the name I turn myself to someone else who can hurt herself. So, many advices couldn’t be done if I am still in this traumatic state.

I don’t know when and how I will heal, but I hope it soon, because every single feeling I had will impact to my baby, he will feel it too. And I really hope he will be okay and it doesn’t effect to his mental health.

This is my first time write my PTSD problem, I hope my story will be a lesson learnt for other people who experience the same things as me. They are not alone to fight this traumatic, there are many people with the same state who fight with this. I am not alone (though I was alone fighting it), I have Allah. Though I am not a good person, but I have the right to get back to my normal state right?

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