Some people, most of them, will really happy when you heard that you are going to have a new family member. But, please forgive me dear DD, i did not have the same feeling as those people. Usually, their first new member will make the mom to be feel excited. Quite the opposite, i did not feel excited though in my deep heart i really looked forward to him. Sadly, i did not have the common feeling of my newborn to come soon, at least in my bad situation now.
So, i did some terrible things in my 1st semester. I undergone the check up after i was told by my co-worker, it was about 10 weeks. I went to the obstetrician reluctantly, after hours. Then…. the nurse called my name, and i went to the doctor room. The doctor is one of the famous female doctor in my town, and she has a brother who was the actor of one of the traditional hero in indo, called wiro sableng, hahaha. Can you imagine that? Ok, back to the topic.
She asked nicely, this and that, and she asked, “so where is the father?”. I said “he left a month ago”. “Oh, i see. So he left after give you this without a trace?” She winked. “He left the trace, doc, let’s check it up”. “Ok!” She smiled.
“So, hmmm, this is his heart, it beats strongly, good sign” she told me while she was humming. I just said, “ok”. “He is about 10 weeks” she ended the Ultrasound check.
Thanks to her, because she kept telling me this and that, i thought she knew what my face told her, she said something exactly in the right point. She can tell anything i kept even from someone who has right to know. Well, that part really helped me to keep him alive.
After i went for check up, i couldn’t do some terrible thing when i already knew the fact that i am pregnant. Lucky me, that God still protects me to do evil thought. Alhamdulillah. After i got home from the first check up, i cried all night. Ah, that day was my “healthy day”, so i can realize what i have done to him was really horrible.
But still, those evil thoughts, those memories of someone’s saying about having a child, those fearness i have in mind, really played alot in his developing brain, until now his 28 weeks. I couldn’t stop feeling of fearness, worriness, helpless, alone, and so many symptoms of people with traumatic disorder.
So, it is really hard for me, hahaha, the moment you feel this way, the way that you are the worst sinner, i felt really far far far away from a good person. What i can do just crying, spacing out the sky or the ceiling of my room every night, and running away whenever the pain hits me so bad every night. It is hard to understand huh? Perhaps you just feel that i am crazy, which is sadly true. But, dont worry i could still communicate and socialize with certain people perfectly.
But, whenever i felt the pain, he is the only one i can talk to, in his 15 or more likely 16 weeks, he started to swim through the amniotic pool, so i can feel he moved. He will stop when i touched my tummy and called him, “Hi”. And he loves to hear the sound of quran. It is quite relieving pain of my soul. Because since he grew up i can barely breathe like i used to be. So a bit hard when i read the quran loudly.
I started to feel exciting when he kicked me first. It felt amazing, there is a tiny human being alive inside my body! I told my counselor, about this and of course my life through the days. She amazingly helped me alot, thanks a lot to her. I wouldn’t have alive (i think it is too exaggerate, haha), if she wasnt beside me.
Though, i couldnt (not yet) recover to my stable state of mind, “having some terrifying flashbacks of your trauma is quite bothersome, anyway” but, Alhamdulillah, since his existence inside my body started to get attention from me, i feel a bit happy. Because he always inside and beside me to keep me alive, and accompany to cry and to do anything.
I love u and i am sorry my dear, DD. Please be healthy and grow up. I am looking forward to see you soon, darl.
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