Came across so many posts regarding mental health issues “PPD, PND, or baby blues” or anything in Perinatal Mental Ilness, i thought i should share my own experience about that. It’s true that some people might have negative stigmas about it, but there are alot more people that accept it as their normal life. I might be wrong though.
I, first encounter this kind of issue ever since my marriage 4 years ago. Never in million ways of thought i would experience it. Never. I thought marriage life is easy peasy, happiness overload, with some crumbled plain flour in the cake batter. Newlywed moments was too overwhelming that i forgot to look after around me. And that was all started.
I began to encounter so many unpleasant things, which i do not have right to explain or to clear those misunderstandings. I will have to nod peacefully. I was sitting there like a defendant who did disgusting adultery and broke a family. And then me again, a scene from Drama, when some whitepeople are speaking racism towards the female who wears black abaya and niqab, leaving her frightened eyes which fights the bullying in silent.
But, in that moment i couldn’t do anything. I froze my mind, i stood there, nodded, and tried to grasp the things that happened earlier. What did i do so wrong? Where did it go wrong? And was i a low life being? The first time, i looked down on myself.
Unfortunately, i keep repeating this chant “i am low life human being, i am the worst being” , like the magic spell, it turns my world upside-down. I kept hating myself, and the worst thing i started to hate my own family. I keep thinking, i shouldn’t marry or even worst i shouldn’t be born into this world.
In this moment, i had no one to talk to. I kept this from my family. Started to locked myself in a room. Spent the entire day in the bedroom. Pulled myself from social life. Ignore things that makes my life go down.
Soon after, a fatal blown came. I found out that i was 11 weeks pregnant. It can be said, it was much more enough to add the upside-down of hormonal changes as well as psychological changes. Everyone who concerns about my pregnancy annoys me alot. The moment I walked into the obstetrics unit alone in that state, I felt like I just got someone threw some rotten eggs straight to my face. It was totally crazy moment. But still, i am so grateful that i kept the baby healthy.
Day by day, i wasn’t feeling okay, it was worsening. I started having nightmares, every night. Thought of suicides, even i harmed myself without i realise it. Pregnancy hormone maybe has something in it (?). I was hung by that question. Can’t find peaceful way to live my life.
Fortunately, i have a sister-like senior from high school that i admire so much. So i started to open up my problems to her. I explained everything to her, to have another point of view of what is happening to me all this time. How pity full of me!
She asked me to meet a Psychologist. There, i went with her. Oh, i hate every single thing that i should explain again and again. Trembled hands with fear, teary eyes, and breathless. Can you imagine? Some people who known me for a long time, would never think i came across that mental health issue. Me either.
After chatted for hours, he diagnosed me, Anxiety Disorder. This thing! I asked, why am i having that? Actually this can happen to anyone. Anxious about a thing is normal, such as result of exam. But when you have it for a long time, that would become an illness.
In my case, the stories i experienced for the past eight months of marriage was a turning point, a trigger that i have this anxiety disorder. Poor feelings or hurt feelings that i got, i stored it in my subconscious mind. Without i realise it, i keep those fears, worries, or any distressing emotions deep down in my mind. Like a ticking bomb, boom! It exploded when i can’t cope with those triggers.
I gave up to that! Falling down! Hopeless!
What should i do then?
Screaming the Feeling 