Having a Perinatal Depression through out my first pregnancy was really difficult. When i had anxiety attack, i could cry with or without a reason. I always feel angry and sad at the same moments. It was difficult for me. My mom’s sickness also played big part. I feelt so hopeless that i wouldn’t be by her side any time she needs me. I can’t do anything. I hate this kind of feeling. It made me feel, marriage is the biggest mistake i chosen. I was full of anger, yet I was sad.
In that state, my baby didn’t grow as she should be. She was always underweight of any fetus growth chart by age, whenever i checked it with the obsgyn. They told me to have my meal nourished and doing some happy things. But it’s hard, crazy hard. I can manage to eat healthy meal, but barely got enough sleep without nightmare.
The psychologist i met earlier, suggested me to have hypnotherapy to ease my mind. But i had no time, since my mom’s cancer was worsening. I did feel like, my mom comes first than myslef or even the baby. Then, someone called husband came to picked me up, to join him to his Ph.D Studies overseas. It is somewhat helping me to have a nice sleeping times. Though I still worried about my mom and other things. There were times i couldn’t close my eyes a whole night, i was so scared that the nightmare will come again. I cried many times in my prayers. Did not know, it was my anxiety that worse, or i just had home sickness and i missed my mom. I can’t tell.
The husband? He just tried hard to make things better for me. I know he was. But at some points, i grew an indescribable feeling on him, mixed with sadness, anger, and guilty. It was confusing. You know, the folks say “the first 5 years of marriage is the hardest” and it is.
My first daughter born normally as a tiny baby, since she born less than three kgs. And the drama continues as i recovered from giving birth. A midwife or a health visitor who came to check on me at home few times said, i had mild postnatal depression and i need to go to GP to get some helps. I just said ok, but i didn’t go. I did went crazy, from crying or speak full of anger to my husband or keep ignoring him. He didn’t not aware what i was going through back then. He was said “why do you always angry?” which is made me even more angry. And again i keep this to myself, fought the battle alone. Keeping myself inside a tiny room.
Faking a smiley happy face whenever people come to see the baby. But inside of me, unstoppable bleeding from the painful birth experience and other things that happened before it. Mixing feeling about happy sad anger annoy and any other emotions come into the bowl of my mind. Hormonal changes after birth made my physical and psychological worn out. Exhausted!
To this point, i have not been able to speak out about this. Even my husband seems not to care. So i keep living with a new role as new mom. I do not know why, the nightmares just come every other day, not so often as before. But the fears and worries still there. As time goes by, i feel better. Perhaps, my DD existence tired me out till i dont have enough room to overthinking my worries. Having baby will make you a bit weary, right? So you don’t have time to recall the bad thing that happened.
But in the short period after give birth, some women tend to have PPD. If you feel it worse and affect your daily lifes, please seek help from professional for your own sake. Tell your husband and family. And for the husband, learn that, support your wife, do not be an ignorant who just know how to make the baby, but also have some responsibility over your wife’s mental health which is as important as physical health. And PPD also can happen to men, so better to learn that from early age of pregnancy. Supporting each other to have a blissful life, a healthy marriage.
I am not a person who can tell anything inside my mind to anyone, rather than gobbling it myself to my mind. Hoping person closest to me understand and help me. It never works though.
If you feel you are struggling with any kind of depressions and you keep it to yourself, and you’re closest person can’t notice it, you’ll done for. So please seek help. I kind talk this to my self. Be happy.
Screaming the Feeling 